No Beyonce, no.

Beyonce. You are the diva of my generation. Not only that, you have snagged the heart of one of the greatest rappers and producers of all time. And to top it off you have successfully transitioned from strange pop trio “Destiny’s Child” to become a super star in your own right. However. You must put on pants. Put them on right now. Before you do one more thing.

Your thighs are really just huge. Gigantic in fact. We aren’t sure why you felt compelled to wear 2 glorified underwear outfits on national TV, but your instincts, or stylist/mom have betrayed you. I realize that when someone asks me, “Hey could you do an introduction for Tina Turner and honor all the great black women performers of this century?” my first reaction is to put on a pair of underwear and violently shake my head and bootie while singing the words that were meant to be spoken, but I try to control these urges.

Tina totally showed you up, and mainly because we didn’t even realize you were singing. We just thought you were in some KFC sponsored “thigh showcase”. On the Tina note however, how fabulous was she? Aside for the fairly apparent lack of neck mobility she rocked the house. It really makes me want to marry an abusive cokehead and wear intensely shiny clothing. Go Girl. (Go Tina, not you Beyonce. Tina = Go Girl, Beyonce = Pants Now)